My thoughts focused on that one day not too long ago but ages away.
There was rain too.
Just the two of us under a shabby attap hut. Perched by the pond. She was leaning against me. Both of us looking out, lulled buy the faint sound of raindrops hitting the water. The scent of her hair was intoxicating, yet i felt no need for anything more physical. Her breathing was slow, calm. She was at utter ease. My fingers were caressing her belly, occasionally tickling her for no reason at all. She's laughed mostly to herself and it would send bells ringing in my ears. Turned around. she came in close, i cradled her supporting her back. We whispered sweet nothings. Then there was this silence. Was it possible to feel so awkward yet so right at the same time? I caressed her hands, Kissed her palms and looked her in the eye. Silence. Then i asked her permission. Permission to kiss her. She smiled and leaned in. The whole world spun for me at that second. I didn't know what i was doing. My eyes were closed and all i could feel were her lips, all i could hear was her breath and my heart. Then everything went blur
"Next stop, Sembawang." the electronic voice chimed.
Images. My eyes were closed but i could still see those images. Nurses. Doctors. Patients. Friends. Family. My family and her family. There was a grim mood that hung in that ward. Hospitals have that i suppose. I walked past the beeping machines and the stainless steel trolleys. Her parents were slouched outside the ward. I felt the well worn hands of her father on my shoulder just as i turned into her ward. Somehow i know all those years of hard work and sacrifice this man had put in paled in comparison to this one moment. I grazed his hand with mine and continued into the room. There she was. Lying ever so still, her lovely bossom heaving under its own weight, struggling to breath. She saw me and smiled, not with her lips but with her eyes. I leaned in close. The scent of her hair, faint and clinical as it was, was still intoxicating. We held hands. Not a word was spoken. I lifted up her respirator and gave her a kiss. The whole world spun for me at that second.I didn't know what i was doing. My eyes were closed and all i could feel were her lips, all i could hear was her breath and my heart. I replaced the respirator. We just stared into each others eyes. I saw the life leaving hers. I saw the cancer inflamed in her. I saw her acceptance of her fate. Beyond all this, and this mattered the most, I saw myself. Then i felt her hand go limp. It was done. I teared. Teared till it was all just a blur.
"Next stop, Woodlands" again, the electronic voice.
"Pa, are we getting down here?" a small voice chimed.
It rang through my like a spring uncoiled. The world came back into focus. The colours returned. The chugging of the train went back to being bothersome. I looked down. I saw my Debbie. Our Debbie. She was 8 going on 30! Had her mother's quick mouth she did. I looked at her and nodded. Looked into her eyes. There she was, in my daughter's eyes.
Smiling back at me. As usual.
